Cover Letter

It's a beautiful day here in New York. The sun is shining, the sky is clear, the air is- freezing. 

Mother Nature clearly missed the memo that it is now mid-April and no one wants to put up with this shit anymore. How is anybody supposed to get things done when it's bone chillingly cold outside? 

Okay, okay. I'm aware that most people are capable of being productive when the weather is cold; I sadly am not one of them. Especially when my task for the day is so overwhelming that it feels like it's swallowing me whole...

Writing cover letters.

Oh, Jesus. 

How does one write a cover letter? I mean how does one really write a cover letter? A resume is just a summary of what you've done. Easy enough. But a cover letter is meant to be a summary of who you are. It is meant to give someone an idea of what you as an individual can bring to the table. It is where you "sell yourself" to potential employers. But let's be honest; can a written letter ever truly convey who you are? I should hope not. And how do you talk yourself up without coming across as arrogant? I'm finding it hard.

I know I have a bit of a complex. What some might call "self-promotion" I call "self indulgent rambling." I can't imagine that anyone would ever willingly submit themselves to hearing me talk about myself. I don't even do it! It's why this blog is still not public. It's why there are so few entries...

And while I guess I could conjure up something interesting to say, I know that none of it would consist of what a model employee I am. If I really had to talk about my history incorporating cover letter rhetoric it would probably go something like this:

.Experience: For two years I worked at a small health food store as a checkout girl and customer service operator. 
Accomplishments: I accrued hundreds of hours discussing homeopathic constipation remedies, tricks to make wheat grass more palatable (spoiler: there are none), and the countless wonders of apple cider vinegar (to this day I still don't believe there is any real use for it). 
What I learned from my experience: People who regularly shop at specialty health food stores are delusional, high-maintence, neurotic morons who will spend thousands of dollars over the course of a lifetime on extraneous shit that will only serve to make them more delusional, high maintenance, and neurotic. 
There are no supplements for removing the stick from your ass.

.Experience: I then spent three years working as an obsequious, self-loathing, salesperson snake oil peddler at various department store makeup counters across Long Island.
Accomplishments: Getting out before I developed a full-blown hatred for all of womankind. 
What I learned from my experience: You can get better lipstick for three dollars by Wet n' Wild then you will ever get at the Chanel counter. 
I promise.

There's plenty more where that came from but I'll restrain myself. 

To be honest I just don’t want to talk about what I used to do. I needed money, they were jobs. I feel so disingenuous trying to inflate the meaningless experiences I've had in order to make it seem like I've accomplished so much. The reality is that I’m applying to jobs now because I’m not accomplished!

I guess my problem -as usual- is that I just want to skip over the hard part. I want to bypass the tedium and get straight to what will really get me the job- the interview. Because no matter what I write in a letter, no matter where I went to school, no matter how much bullshit I shove onto my resume- it's meeting a person that makes you decide whether you want to hire them or not. 

Now... who can help me with this cover letter?