Fernweh

About a week ago I had a dream that I was walking outside my old house by the sea. Everything was silent and I could feel the breeze coming off the ocean. I think my father was with me; he always loved that house. Anyway we started to walk away from the house until the sand on the streets turned to dirt and the dirt into grassy hills. Suddenly I looked around and we were surrounded by mountains of beautiful green. In the distance I could see little white shapes milling about.

When I woke up I knew where I needed to go. I did some research and found a website that connects people all across the world who travel from place to place assisting at various homes, farms, bed and breakfasts, etc. 

I wanted to find a farm stay in the countryside of Ireland, but due to the nature of the work most of hosts ask for helpers to come in pairs. Since I'm doing this alone, that clearly isn't an option for me. But I found a family in Malahide, a town just north of Dublin, that needs someone to help with looking after the children and the house. In exchange I would get free meals, my own room, and of course in my free time I could do whatever I please.

Well I spoke with the host family on Monday, Tuesday night I bought my plane ticket, and Sunday night I'm flying to Dublin. Last week I had no idea what to do with myself. Now I'm leaving for Ireland in less than three days. And I haven't booked a ticket back.

The neurotic in me is saying, "You're crazy. What the fuck? What the fuck!" 

But if I focus hard enough I can tune it out.  That's when I hear a soft and divine voice saying, "No. This is the most perfect thing you've ever done. Go with it." It's rooted so deep in me that it often gets drowned out. But it's the voice I'm trying to follow.

How does a person just abandon her everyday? Without any excessive preparation. Planning. Worrying. Saving. Planning some more in case the other plans fall through. I don't know. She trusts her gut I guess.

Cover Letter

It's a beautiful day here in New York. The sun is shining, the sky is clear, the air is- freezing. 

Mother Nature clearly missed the memo that it is now mid-April and no one wants to put up with this shit anymore. How is anybody supposed to get things done when it's bone chillingly cold outside? 

Okay, okay. I'm aware that most people are capable of being productive when the weather is cold; I sadly am not one of them. Especially when my task for the day is so overwhelming that it feels like it's swallowing me whole...

Writing cover letters.

Oh, Jesus. 

How does one write a cover letter? I mean how does one really write a cover letter? A resume is just a summary of what you've done. Easy enough. But a cover letter is meant to be a summary of who you are. It is meant to give someone an idea of what you as an individual can bring to the table. It is where you "sell yourself" to potential employers. But let's be honest; can a written letter ever truly convey who you are? I should hope not. And how do you talk yourself up without coming across as arrogant? I'm finding it hard.

I know I have a bit of a complex. What some might call "self-promotion" I call "self indulgent rambling." I can't imagine that anyone would ever willingly submit themselves to hearing me talk about myself. I don't even do it! It's why this blog is still not public. It's why there are so few entries...

And while I guess I could conjure up something interesting to say, I know that none of it would consist of what a model employee I am. If I really had to talk about my history incorporating cover letter rhetoric it would probably go something like this:

.Experience: For two years I worked at a small health food store as a checkout girl and customer service operator. 
Accomplishments: I accrued hundreds of hours discussing homeopathic constipation remedies, tricks to make wheat grass more palatable (spoiler: there are none), and the countless wonders of apple cider vinegar (to this day I still don't believe there is any real use for it). 
What I learned from my experience: People who regularly shop at specialty health food stores are delusional, high-maintence, neurotic morons who will spend thousands of dollars over the course of a lifetime on extraneous shit that will only serve to make them more delusional, high maintenance, and neurotic. 
There are no supplements for removing the stick from your ass.

.Experience: I then spent three years working as an obsequious, self-loathing, salesperson snake oil peddler at various department store makeup counters across Long Island.
Accomplishments: Getting out before I developed a full-blown hatred for all of womankind. 
What I learned from my experience: You can get better lipstick for three dollars by Wet n' Wild then you will ever get at the Chanel counter. 
I promise.

There's plenty more where that came from but I'll restrain myself. 

To be honest I just don’t want to talk about what I used to do. I needed money, they were jobs. I feel so disingenuous trying to inflate the meaningless experiences I've had in order to make it seem like I've accomplished so much. The reality is that I’m applying to jobs now because I’m not accomplished!

I guess my problem -as usual- is that I just want to skip over the hard part. I want to bypass the tedium and get straight to what will really get me the job- the interview. Because no matter what I write in a letter, no matter where I went to school, no matter how much bullshit I shove onto my resume- it's meeting a person that makes you decide whether you want to hire them or not. 

Now... who can help me with this cover letter?

Absence of Mind

I feel like I'm always just waiting for the "right moment." Perpetually holding back for a better time to do what I should be doing. Now isn't time. I'm not ready yet. My work isn't ready yet. My talent isn't ready yet. I'll get better. I'll be ready… someday.

At times I think I just need a hand to hold. And that's terrible considering I want so badly to be able to stand out there on my own. Maybe I really need a hand to slap some reality into me. Give me some hard work to do. Challenge me. Push me. Teach me. I've graduated from college. I've gone through all the motions of a young adult. Well most of them anyway. Now I'm here and there's no pressure. No challenges. Oh. That's what's missing. I need a challenge.

Comfort doesn't really breed creativity does it?

Words of wisdom for the day:

"If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never do much of anything."

                                                                                                                            ~Win Borden

To Jump or Not to Jump

They say that to be a writer you need to make yourself write every single day. Even if you don't think that what you're writing is any good or of any interest you should write. Well I do write everyday. I just don't take the trouble to publish it. So does that count? Time is slipping fast through my fingers. I have done nothing to grasp it. Make the most of it. I need to jump. I know I do. I got so sick of being the crazy one. Now I want to be again. I don't want to be afraid of anything. I must have something to follow. Not someone. Not a person or a love but a dream. A passion. You're not living unless you have a bit of fear in you. But it's better to run with it than to hide from it. The ones who make fools of themselves are the ones who live without regret. I want to make a fool of myself.

"I don't want to die simply having visited this world." ~ Mary Oliver

Busy Body

Alright so I know I'm supposed to write a post everyday but you have to understand, sometimes other things get in the way. Like taking a Buzzfeed quiz to find out which female rap icon I relate most to, or which character I am from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." I mean, how else am I going to know these things?

Not to mention I spent two hours at the gym today…okay an hour an a half. Okay an hour. But still! I was busy. Then I had to come home and eat copious amounts of food to cancel out any chance of progress made during said gym time. Achieved, and then some.

I'm busy!

"I wasted time, and now doth time waste me…"
                                                                         ~ William Shakespeare